I’m sitting here contemplating the process, the meaning, the what the fucks about death….not necessarily a great thing to be doing on Mother’s Day, but hey, you can’t orchestrate this shit if you tried, right? I woke up this morning, peacefully contemplating that cat sleeping on my tummy, the kid snuggly stuck to my left side, the other kid on the left of him, and the other two gorgeous souls who occupy my home space and help me to feel like the best Mum in the world……most day’s. I was brought a coffee in bed, by a man who loves me to the best of his current ability – sure, insert my trademark sarcasm for this current ability if you please 😉 but know that I am always the optimist in helping others come more and more into the full light and body of their being, even when my badass boundary setting is getting a work out and I might just want to run free sometimes – so I set to enjoying a morning in bed with a warm coffee, warm kids, and a good book – yes, DDT’s ‘Chillpreneur’ is a good book. I was eventually able to pry myself out from this incredibly cozy and comfortable ‘mum-zone’ to waddle slowly off to the loo, with phone in hand, ready just to scroll through some random posts while I tinkled in the toilet before making my way back to my warm bed and my ‘chillin’ book – hehehe, see what I did there 😀 Taking a seat on the porcelain throne, I started to tinkle and scroll, moving past and appreciating lots of Mother’s Day posts, when something caught my eye….an old familiar face, a name in the thick of a jumble of words that made no sense to me……condolences…….Heath….life…..death…..sad…..what? I could feel the tears streaming down my face, unable to comprehend what I was looking at. My mind was racing as equally fast as the tears leaving my eyes….”What? I don’t understand….What The Actual Fuck? I don’t understand? What is going in here? I don’t get it, I don’t understand what I’m seeing…..” I’m sure there were a lot of “no’s” in there as my body was stuck to the ‘seat’ I couldn’t lift my sweet arse from….and I guess that at some point I became aware that the universe did a kind thing for me and my family, by getting me out of the way of my children so that I didn’t scare or scar them by waking them up with my guttural break…….on the morning of Mother’s Day. It’s not like I hadn’t already checked through facey and scrolled for no good reason other than to see what I could see while I waiting for them to wake up..…so yay universe, thanks for having my back there. Thank you for knowing that this news was going to fuck me up. Thank you for giving me some time to process……if even just a smidge…….so that I could join my children without giving them a complex as to why they’ve woken up to a sad, sad Mumma. Time passed in strange motion, but I’m sure it was only a mere 10 minutes of passing before I could sense my babes were getting a little restless. So I pried myself off the toilet seat, hitched up my pants and managed to pull myself together enough to plug in and be the mum that I truly am and allow myself to be showered with waking warmth, unconditional love and sparkling adoration as that delicious child like glee of innocence awakened all around me. Somewhere in the recesses of my inner attic though, I scrambled to process the news of the death of a high school friend. Somewhere in those dark attic corners, that aren’t really corners because my attic is circular, maybe even tubular, my disbelief rumbled around, my naive and somewhat selfish tones kept looping while I smiled and hugged and tried to stay present for my babes. “I don’t understand!” What The Fuck!?” “I don’t get it!” “What the actual fuck!?” Over and over, looping and looping. And the truth is, I didn’t get it. I just didn’t get it. “What the actual fuck!?” To have a friend, my age, pass away, a guy whom I felt connected to even though we weren’t really connected anymore and hadn’t been since I left school…….bar a few weeks of online interaction in 2015…….just obliterated my senses. To say I was shocked is a bit of an understatement, truth is, I was rocked to the core. Death has a way of fucking me up. It get’s all intimate and in my face, in my mind, like nothing else I’ve experienced……and I’ve experienced a lot including prolonged domestic violence that fucks up your logical senses, your self esteem and self worth compass. When faced with it, and thank fuck I’ve not experienced close deaths, I get stuck in the pain and the emotional travesty of death, both in the sense of what others feel and are going through, and in what I imagine others would feel and experience. I am more than an empath…..I can create and tap into the emotion anywhere, anytime, merely by thinking it into existence. I have this sense of getting so lost in death, that I can no longer comprehend what the fuck everything is all about. I don’t get it, when death comes looking for attention, and that’s a whole lot of ‘something else’ for a psychic medium that I’m not going to get into this time around. When it’s close, I don’t get it. I simply do not get on any level, young or old, the purpose of moving through such hardship. It fucks with my mind and it fucks with my heart. I question the validity of everything when death comes to town. I question the purpose, the point of this tragic life circumstance that we all endure at some point in our lives. And I seriously have no answers or response in those moments other than the pain itself. I reconciled, after a half hearted attempted to ‘talk’ with me about my tears, that I would have to move through this death pain alone this time……. a disassociation between my man and I has made intimate moments of care a little strained……imagine my surprise though when some 3 hours later, said man found his way into my space to ‘see how you are doing because I’m worried about you.’ There’s really nothing that I hold back, so in a burst of tears I blurted out quickly my dismay, my confusion and my overall fucked up-ness over Heath’s death………

Sidebar

An interesting side bar at this point would be that the last time I spoke with Heath, my man and I were going through a rough patch that looked like developing into the path of separation. It was Heath’s persistence in connecting with me that lead me to move toward seeking clarity around the relationship that my man & I had…basically, to see if we were actually going to separate instead of just living in two separate rooms and being polite friends whenever we were near each other…..hmm, another story for another time, I know……but in this moment of processing and writing, I’m realising and appreciating Heath’s contribution as being greater than I imagined and marvelling at the oddly familiar intervention of his energy in a similar relationship position once more………….

………..My surprise in this man didn’t end there……my man has a way of coming out with shit at the most unexpected times that softens my heart and makes me wonder how we can go so wrong sometimes….he actually said something to me that put me in place…just a little bit…because I knew the weight of the words he spoke…the truth was light even though the heart was still heavy….….

“you will probably talk to him more now……”

Yes, yes I probably will, and I will be forever grateful as I feel him slide into my team on the other side, my spirit team who cares for me and guides me in this human journey of life….I feel it, already, and that has eased the confusion somewhat even though I haven’t stopped questioning it.

As I shift and process, still shocked, still questioning, still dumbstruck over the events, I’ve caught glimpses of communication here and there.

As I’ve said, I can feel him slide into my spirit team and I’m cool with that. Most of all I’m cool with though is being shown how unaware we are in the knowing of what we know…….it’s like even when we are ‘aware’ we are still so fucking unaware.
And I appreciate a good logical mind fuck as I know that exploration process leads me to an expansion….no matter how much it hurts.

My mind is a little fucked over how Heath has popped up in a prominent way when my man and I are struggling in the relationship department again….although I can tell you I would much rather he popped up in a series of email requests to see if he could call me up or pop in and visit me some time……..

My head is a little fucked that there was a heaviness to me on the weekend that he died, and I thought it was only related to the shock of being the ‘mum’ who instigated an arrest warrant on my eldest son, and now facing the possibility of separating from my man again…..…4 years to come back to the same spot fucks with you a little….., but I knew there was stuff I wasn’t aware of and choose to continually make sense of what I logically knew rather than feel for what was, feel for the energy, the truth of the energy.
Whilst I was thinking, feeling and knowing my truth, it was only part of it, and I see today just how dumb we are in the greater scheme or system of things. We play so small and so limited in our being, in our awareness, in our lives, that we get stuck so easily in the roles that we play, that we don’t dare look outside of the box that we we’ve already looked outside of…….

Ah, get it…..?

Even when we go outside of the box, we create other boxes, other limitations, logical limitations to keep us in. My understanding of this today, is that the logical mind can fuck right off, and instead, tap into the energy of your being, to the energy all around us, more and more, so that we can strip ourselves of the walls that we create even when we expand, expand, expand.
Our expansion is greater that we think it is, everything is, and I’m so grateful that I’ve come into this today. It hurts, the way that it’s come in, yet gratitude for it is the right way to process beyond it. I still don’t get it. I still don’t get why we have to go through this whole death thing, and to quote the phenomenal woman herself, P!NK, why it ‘Hurts 2B Human’…….but I do accept that I have a team in spirit, and that my team got bigger, a little more red hot, and a whole lot more peaceful today.

Vale, Beggsy.
Forever and always in my heart, old friend.
8/12/1973 – 4/5/201

 

Author: Gemma Rose Green is a Psychic Intuitive Generation Healer, focusing on the mind, body, soul and spirit, & a Badass Life Coach, with a passion for family & generational healing. She is also an Author, Writer, Creator & Witch, dedicated to inspiring a healing revolution from within, promoting self & generational healing, through the power of voice & communication, accountability & acceptance.